The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
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Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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