I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize