i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
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Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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