new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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