remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
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We talked him into tasing himself.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
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Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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