I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I can text with my tongue
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
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