Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
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I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
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I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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