just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
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There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
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He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Two words: nipple clamps
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