Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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