I wish my penis had an off switch
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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