I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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