chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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