I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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