allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
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She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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