Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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