This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
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It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
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