If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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