Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
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He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
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You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
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