We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
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we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
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this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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