Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
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The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
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Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
My bed smells like the plague
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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