A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
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If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
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On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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