dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
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Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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