I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
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I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
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