You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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