I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
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You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
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They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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