I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
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Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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