I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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