Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
It's no shave November. This is our time.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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