I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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