I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
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I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
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I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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