So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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