She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
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I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
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EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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