if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
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she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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