I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
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I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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