i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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