Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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