They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize