Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
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Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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