We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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