So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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