how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I can't put those talents on a resume
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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