stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I am available for nakedness
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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