question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
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Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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