You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
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Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
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The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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