he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
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From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
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I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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