i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
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He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
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she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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