BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
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We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
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Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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