put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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