he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
It's rum buckets o'clock
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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