I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
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dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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